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· Mark Hughes Contributor. I write about films, especially superhero films, & Hollywood. full bio → Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own.

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You should’ve asked Emma. OK, the sandwich thing is genuinely funny. Kudos 🙂But I do think Eyeroll and Matt are missing my point a little bit: it’s not like I emailed Emma out of the blue saying “hey, why don’t you take your time to do this for me because I don’t feel like articulating my POV.” Emma put a fairly general statement about How the World Is out into the ether, open for commentary; my point (possibly not well- made) is that I perceive the comic – while entertaining – to be compromised by a lack of empathy or acknowledgment of full context. I think this is illustrated by what you, Emma, view as the “other side”: a self- absorbed teenager letting her mom do all the work.

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Certainly there are plenty of men- as- teenagers walking around — other genders, too. My point is that while the comic is well done, think there’s stuff you may have missed here. Do I think this comic cleverly presents what is a genuine problem for many hetero couples? Yup. Are there a lot of dudes who needed this to get how they’re not pulling their weight in some areas? Absolutely. And at the end of the day it’s just a cartoon, drawn with a light touch, presented with some nuance, not a big deal. But then again, so was my comment – and that drew some minor challenge/shade, so I’ll take a minute to respond to that because I enjoy a good discussion.

Three issues: 1) Over- generalization. Not a lot of “many, possibly most.” A lotta absolutes, a lot of hyperbole. Words like “tend to be” and “often” and “many” are super useful in this context, woulda greatly strengthened the piece. You’re welcome. 😉Clearly the comic makes a legitimate observation that resonates with lots of people, as attested by the comments section.

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As an aside, a cpl of minor things about that: a) This audience is bound to be in some measure unintentionally self- selected as a choir to preach to; andb) when we hear a philosophy or an idea or a position that allows us to say “OMG, I am a- MA- zing – and most of the people around me, considerably less so…” we are all bound to love it. This is really seductive, and a fundamental tool some people (not Emma) use to manipulate the masses; I think it’s useful to look suspiciously at our reaction to philosophies and frames that give us that message. My point is that the number of people we can get to shout “Huzzah!” isn’t necessarily a measure of how accurately we have described the world, or identified Truth. We all tend to take our personal experience and project it as The Experience. That’s the root of angst for many of the angrysad dudes on MGTOW sites – it’s not just Socialized Misogyny — for many of them, their lived experience includes getting genuinely shat on by narcissistic partners. They’re not wrong about that, they’re just wrong about what that means about the world, and how to react to it. And there are thousands of people for whom this comic does not depict real life at all, for whom this is so one- sided or so far from reality that to hear it presented as The Truth About Men and Women just feels annoying — to the point that we (I) will actually drop a comment about it, rather than just reading it and moving on.

At worst, would land to some men as “This is just another way in which women do all the heavy lifting in life while men are lazy and useless”. Of course that’s exaggerated but it’s not that far outside of reality given that the broader conversation about some of these issues includes the hashtags #Men. Are. Trash. and #Kill. All. Men. There’s a context into which the comic falls, and it includes that nonsense.

And I get that privileged people are wont to hear a story about someone else and jump in with “Well, what about me? How come we’re not talking about me all the time?”But I think this is different: 9. I believe, want to make their lives and relationships better. The focus of the comic is traditional cishet relationships — both present and potential relationships — and men are half of that equation.

I’m not sure how leaving out the perspective of half the participants makes for effective relationship- building. My second problem with the comic is that I feel nowhere near enough thought/empathy went into guessing why men might view women as “manager of household chores”. Some people have touched on the issue of how big a space we give our partners to contribute in certain ways. My experience, and that of many men I know, was that of being shut down fairly consistently and emphatically in terms of *how* when contributing to household stuff, especially in a traditional division- of- labor scenario. This isn’t just “Perhaps I might need to think about how I react to my husband’s help”, this is huge – it’s a really big part of why many men I know wait to be asked/told what to do. Passive, non- aggressive men (and I were one) get tired of getting told we’re doing it wrong, and we don’t like displeasing our partners, so we end up waiting for them to let us know what would make them happy. If your husband acts like an underling when it comes to household management, maybe you could self- reflect more about how that space got created for him to step into.

As to “if I don’t do it, my family suffers” – maybe, maybe not. I think some ownership could be taken about “suffering” – if you don’t have mustard, that’s not suffering, that’s just a cost. For non- critical stuff, if you’re the only one bothered by something, then it’s your issue.

If your dude doesn’t have a shirt, maybe next time he’ll iron it – assuming there’s been a conversation about whose responsibility it is to dress themselves for work. I imagine this won’t resonate for the many women who’d *love* it if their dude would load/unload the dishwasher, even if he might sometimes put the serving spoon in with the regular spoons. But I guarantee a lot of guys would hear me on this.

Additionally, people – even men – can learn and evolve. A lot of guys think it’s a gesture of respect and an enlightened sharing of power to view their wives as the manager of the house. We get told we fix too much instead of listening.

We are told we try to manage things too much, that we have too many opinions, that women are tired of us interrupting, trying to boss everything, that we need to defer more to women who know what they’re doing. Is there a more logical way to happily share power than to concede household decision- making to the person who’s closer to the issues (if they are) and has strong opinions about the way things ought to be done? Both of these things are likely (IMO) to be huge factors in this dynamic, and they got short shrift in this comic.

Men are not infants, or mentally deficient – when living alone, we manage to keep ourselves fed and not light ourselves on fire. Usually. The question of why men might defer to their wives in these areas deserves a deeper look than it got. The “emotional load” issue.

There are two pieces to this: the first is just the Burden Olympics feel it has to it. Of course women carry a lot s*** men often don’t know about. Why wouldn’t the converse be true? Yes, the manager of the house will carry the “mental load” of managing the house. And if you both have fulltime jobs, that load should absolutely be shared.

But in the context of all of life, it’s unseemly to present one gender over another as doing all the heavy emotional lifting. It’s fine to call out people’s actions, but you don’t get to use your limited perspective to decide how they feel, then tell them that based on your calculations they have less to worry about than you do. The second piece is about emotional maturity, intelligence, and continence. Just because we feel something relating to an issue doesn’t mean other people are responsible for that. If we’re worried about X, it’s no one else’s responsibility to try to read our minds about it and make it their primary concern. No one has ESP, and we all read a different textbook growing up, so be wary of grading your partner on a rubric that’s in *your* mind.

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